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The Conversation: Britney Spears

12 Dec

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(I’m Not That Innocent… ringtone)

Me: Hello?

Britney Spears: Hey, girl! Wassup? Where you at?

Me: Britney?

BS: Duh… wait. Hold on. (inaudible scuffle followed by) That’s right you fat cow, you better run! Or I swear to god…

Me: Britney!

BS: Oh hey Jen! You need somethin’? What’s up?

Me: You called me?

BS: I did?

Me: Yep.

BS: Oh yeah! Sorry, just some skanky ass bitch with a camera phone got all up in my…

Me: Britney.

BS: Oh yeah. Anyway, why don’t you come over for a playdate this weekend? I have the boys for a couple of hours and we can get tan and let the kids play in the pool and just, you know, chill.

Me: Um, I just don’t think that’s a good idea right now.

BS: Why not? Wait, just a sec… SHIT! I just hit something, but it sounded like a rock or something.

Me: You should go back and see.

BS: Naw… it was a squirrel. Man, that little guy sure had a death wish. You know my daddy used to…

Me: Please do not tell me you used to eat squirrel.

BS: (Pause) Okay.

Me: Listen, Britney?

BS: Uh huh?

Me: You know I’ve been a publicist for, like, almost 20 years, right?

BS: Uh huh. And how come you won’t let me hire you? It would be freakin’ AWESOME! Do you know how much work it is to figure out where to go to and who to go with? I mean, even though you don’t hardly drink or anything, you could still par-tay! And I wouldn’t have to drive.

Me: I can see where that would be a bonus for you. But for me…

BS: I’ll pay you like, how much does it cost, like, $15,000 a month, or $20,000 or I don’t EVEN know. Just whatever.

Me: It’s not about the money. It’s about, well, you’re out of control and you really need to get your act together, Britney. If not for your sake, for the sake of your kids. I’m being totally serious here.

BS: (hangs up)

Me: Hello?

(1 minute later)

BS: J-Ro?

Me: Yeah.

BS: It’s me.

Me: I know. You hung up on me.

BS: I thought about what you said and I know you’re right.

Me: But…

BS: But I am young and rich and sexy.

Me: You’re not that sexy…

BS: What?

Me: Nothing.

BS: I don’t want to talk about this. So, you coming over this weekend or what? I’ll let you give me some of your PR advice and junk. Oh, and there’s this new place on Robertson that sells little minature Hummers for toddlers and I want to get you guys one and a couple for the kids. I think they come in, like, 8 or 9 different colors and…

Me: Um… I live in Austin and I’m a writer and I really don’t have time to get to LA on a last minute…

BS: Uh huh… hold on my phone is ringing.

Me: But you’re on the phone with…

BS: The PINK one is ringin’. Hold up…

(Background: No I did NOT let the boys drink Pepsi and eat pop rocks at the same time. It was Coke and I was sittin’ right there with them and… hold on.)

BS: Jen, I’m gonna have to call you back. OK, so we’re on for New Year’s right? Vegas, baby! Yeah! It’s so cool you called. Bye!

Me: Huh? Yeah, right. Vegas. Listen, take care, Brit. And just love those boys. They really need you and…. hello? Hello?

Shuffleboil: Hey! I’m Trying to Eat!

7 Dec

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Check out the latest in “My Next Top Reality” at Shuffleboil and see what I can and can not stomach in the world of reality TV.

My Christmas Un-Wish List

3 Dec

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Here are a list of things not to get me for Christmas or any other gift-giving occasion:

1) My Own Star with a map showing me where to find it and a certificate telling me there’s a star out there named “Jennifer.” I don’t have time and I don’t have a telescope. (This is not a hint to get me a telescope)

2) Sweaters. I live in Texas. I would maybe use it as a dust rag or something to let the cat sleep on. And unless it’s made out of Target gift cards, I’m not wearin’ it.

3) A Monogramed Anything: It was hard enough for me to change my middle name to my maiden name and then tack on my husband’s name at the end. Don’t rub it in.

4) Shrink wrapped Salmon. I don’t care if it was 30 bucks and came straight from Alaska. It’s fish in a box.

5) Items that say I’m a #1 anything… unless you can prove it, I’m not.

6) Pictures of yourself. Please.

7) Books and CDs that you think I’ll like. Just because I teared up that one time when Josh Groban was on “Touched by an Angel” does not mean I want any of his records. I was sick that week. Check out my wish list on Amazon.com before you get any lofty ideas that you really know me. You probably don’t.

8) Items that actually say “Makes a Great Gift” right on the box.

9) A donation to my favorite charity in my name. Look, during the holidays “I” am my favorite charity. The end.

10) Your kids’ craft project. I know you told her that “it’s the thought that counts and we have so many lovely crocheted things. Let’s give some away as gifts this year!” That’s a straight up pussy move. Don’t do it.

The Conversation: JK Rowling

2 Dec

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(Ringring… ringring…ringring)

JK Rowling: Hello?

Me: Hey JK– its JH

JK: Why hello, Jennifer! How’ve you been?

Me: Actually, I’ve had a bad throat infection the last few days and I’ve been coughing up the grossest stuff.

JK: Sounds awful.

Me: Yep… sorry my voice is so hoarse. It’s sexy, though, don’t you think?

JK: Definitely. You’re getting enough tea, then? Just hot herbal tea and lemon and a splash of honey. Does wonders.

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been doing that since last week.

JK: Good girl. Right, so I got Benjamin’s birthday party invitation in the post just yesterday. It was adorable! Little animals with party hats. Brilliant.

Me: Yep– I printed them out myself. But, of course, you have people to do that sort of thing for you right?

JK: You’re mad.

Me: OK, OK, Sorry. I won’t start. (pause) So how’s the castle?

JK: It’s NOT a castle!

Me: I’m just KIDDING, geez. So, anyway, can you come? I have an opening for a storyteller for the kids and you’d be the obvious choice.

JK: No, I can’t make it. I’ll be in Japan and…

Me: Oh, sure, that’s OK.

JK: No, really, I want to be there it’s just that…

Me: You don’t have to explain.

JK: OK… sorry.

Me: Look. I’ve been meaning to tell you something for the longest time and now is as good a time as any.

JK: What is it?

Me: I just don’t even know how to say it.

JK: C’mon, then. Just spit it out.

Me: Promise you won’t get mad.

JK: Promise.

Me: Well… OK… here goes. I’ve never actually read any of your books. There I said it.

JK: Pardon?

Me: I mean, I have them all. Well, most of them. And I saw the first two movies, but I never actually got around to reading the books.

JK: I am absolutely gobsmacked. May I ask why?

Me: Um… the thing is is that there was just SO much hype, it really rubbed me the wrong way.

JK: Uh huh.

Me: Then I started noticing that all my friends on Livejournal and at the office were huge fans, and I was impressed. These are smart people.

JK: Well, they have compared me to Lewis and Tolkien, Jennifer. That might not mean anything to you, but…

Me: See. Now you’re mad.

JK: No, I’m not mad. I’m just a little confused. I mean, you’ve read all the classics, and those were wildly popular. How do you explain that?

Me: I don’t know. I just started to seeing all the marketing and the hoopla and it just made me angry. I rebelled.

JK: That’s so juvenile.

Me: I know. I know. I’ll just say it outright. I’m jealous.

JK: Of course you’re jealous. You wouldn’t be a human being if you weren’t a little jealous of my success.

Me: OK, now you’re just being arrogant.

JK: No I’m not. Let me ask you this. How is your young adult trilogy coming along? Are you EVER going to send me pages?

Me: Yeah, right.

JK: Well, have you written anything?

Me: Yes… I mean when I can make the time I…

JK: You’re pathetic.

Me: I know. Listen, you know what I’m going to do?

JK: What?

Me: I’m going to give Benjamin a Harry Potter birthday party. And I’ll even read, like, the first two books if I have time and then I’ll send you my pages next month. Oh, and you do NOT have to feel guilty about Japan. We’ll just call it even, OK?

JK: Well…

Me: C’mon…

JK: Deal. That all sounds lovely.

Me: Yes, quite. Well, have fun storming the castle…

JK: Very funny.

Me: Cheers!

JK: Ta-ta!

Jana’s Ultimate Young Adult/Reader List

26 Nov

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My friend Jana Christy, an awesome and accomplished illustrator, is one the coolest, smartest ladies I know. She loves books and recently shared with me her ultimate Young Adult/Young Reader reading list. Either she or her wonderful twins, Harry and Hugo, have put their seal of approval on these reads. I’ve read some of the classics, but now I’m interested in plunging into some new worlds!

The Letter, The Witch and the Ring by John Bellairs

The Boggart by Susan Cooper 

A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L’Engle

Only You Can Save Mankind by Terry Pratchett

I Was  A Rat by Philip Pullman 

Nicobobinus by Terry Jones

The House With a Clock In Its Walls by John Bellairs

The 13th Floor by Sid Fleischman 

The Black Pearl by Scott O’Dell 

Count Karlstein by Philip Pullman

Crispin, The Cross Of Lead by Avi

The Pool Of Fire by John Christopher

The BFG by Roald Dahl

Knight and The Squire by Terry Jones

The Firework Maker’s Daughter by Philip Pullman 

Strange Happenings by Avi

Skellig by David Almond

The Anybodies by N.E. Bode

The Great Brain by John D. Fitzgerald 

Woods Walk by Henry W. Art and Michael Robbins 

Crispin at the Edge of the World by Avi 

Robots Rising by Carol Sonenklar and John Kaufmann

Devil’s Storybook by Natalie Babbitt 

Mrs. Frisby and The Rats of NIMH by Robert C. O’Brien

Science Behind Superheroes by Bode 

The Sand Walk Adventures by Jay Hosler

The Scarecrow’s Servant by Phillip Pullman 

Clan Apis by Jay Hosler 

Bone Sharps, Cowboys, and Thunder Lizards: A Tale of Edward Drinker Cope, Othniel Charles Marsh, and the Gilded Age of Paleontology by Jim Ottaviani, Zander Cannon, Shad Petosky, and Kevin Cannon

Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt

Jack Plank by Natalie Babbitty.com

Shuffleboil: America’s # 1 Writer

23 Nov

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Check out my lastest installment of this weeks’ “My Next Top Reality,” a column on Shuffleboil. I discuss a great idea to bring together the striking writers and reality show producers. Judge for yourself. Also, a mini-rave review of AMC’s Original Series, “Mad Men.”

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