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The Conversation: Who do you wanna meet?

15 May

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So it has been awhile since my latest installment of “The Conversation.” For those of you who have expressed an interest in my revitalizing this, I need to know… who do you wanna meet? Just to recap, “The Conversation” is a series of personal (fake) conversations with celebrities– authors, politicos, pop stars, etc. Past conversations (which are purely made up in my tired brain) have been with J.K. Rowling, Dick Cheney, Tyra Banks, Britney Spears, Barack Obama, Lindsey Lohan and more.

Check them all out here and tell me who I should “talk to” next.

Good Vibes: Happy Mother’s Day Already

9 May

This video celebrating mothers cracked me up so bad, it actually makes me look forward to it! Viva Mama!

The Conversation: Lindsay Lohan

31 Aug


Ring… Ring…

Me: What the @!&*… what the hell time is it…

Ring… Ring…

Me: 3:30 in the freaking morning.. who is calling at…

Husband: Caller ID says it’s Lohan. Whaddya want me to do?

Me: Arrrghhhh…. I’ll take it in the office.

Husband: OK, but tell her that real people need real sleep and…

Me: I know, I know. I’ll handle it.

Husband: Good Luck.

Me: Uh..huh… Hello?

LL: OKOKOKOKOKOK I absolutely KNOW that it is late, but I’m in Paris, and it’s not late here– actually I just had a nice breakfast at this little cafe and…

Me: WHAT!? What do you want, Lindsay?

LL: OK, so I thought I better call now, or I would forget.

Me: Forget what? Forget to remind me that I have yet to get to Paris in this lifetime and you’ve been there, like, fifty times already and you just want to make absolutely sure that I realize how unbelievably underwhelming the City of Lights actually is? I was in the middle of a pretty decent dream involving me and a talking dolphin, so this better be good.

LL: It is. I promise.

Me: OK then.

LL: OK.

Me: OK.

LL: Well, now that I think about it, it’s probably not a big deal. You go back to bed. I’ll call you later.

Me: Over my dead body. You tell me now, or you permanently lose this number.

LL: OK OK… I was thinking I need to get a makeunder, you know. Just sort of Streep it up a little.

Me: Get your Streep on, as it were?

LL: Exactly! She told me once that she thinks I’m pretty good, and I’m not going to have my looks forever so I better get serious about, you know, serious stuff.

Me: Right.

LL: And I’ve been looking at pictures of myself a lot…

Me: As usual…

LL: Uh-huh. As usual and I’m looking, I don’t know, kind of bummed out.

Me: You are bummed out. Your Mother and sister just did a lame ass reality show totally exploiting your celebrity, your Dad’s in jail, you’ve already been in rehab a couple of times.

LL: I know, and it sucks. I just want to hang out, you know?

Me: And I want to sleep. Is that all?

LL: No. I need your help.

Me: That’s what you have agents and managers and “people” for. Go ask them. I’m tired.

LL: Tell me about it. I just got off this shoot and…

Me: OK, not to interrupt but I’m Mom-with-toddler-juggling-bills-dealing-with-clients-cleaning-house-running-errands-staying-groomed-by-myself-tired. Not celebutante tired. That’s a different tired. People run at you in warp speed to make sure you don’t have bags under your eyes. People run away from me because, honestly, my morning hair scares the crap out of them. So go get help from, you know, your help.

LL: But you’re my friend.

Me: (silence)

LL: Hello?

Me: (deep sigh) OK… how can I help?

LL: OK Good. So what books should I be reading? Are there any really, you know, super smart people I should be hanging out with? Have you ever read “The Alchemist”? My Reiki woman said that would that make a good movie.

Me: The main character is a shepherd boy– there is a gypsy, but it’s a pretty small role and…

LL: Well screw that. What else? Can you think of anything else?

Me: Well… let me think about it. Would you be willing to gain some weight?

LL: Weight? How much weight are we talking about? Like Bridget Jones or more like Charlize Theron in that death row movie?

Me: I don’t know. I’m just asking cuz that might make a difference in what I recommend. You said you wanted to Streep it up…

LL: Yeah, but that’s like DeNiro. Streep does accents. I can definitely do accents. Didn’t you see The Parent Trap?

Me: I just want to know how far you’re willing to go.

LL: I need to think about it.

Me: Okey Dokey. Just get back to me… at a decent hour. And send me an Eiffel Tower snowglobe.

LL: You have like 15 of those.

Me: Yeah, but I don’t have one from the Lohan. Au Revoir.

The Conversation: Barack Obama

14 Jul

Beep…

Me: Wait, someone’s calling on the other line. Let me check who it… cool. It’s Barack. Can you just e-mail me that cashew chili recipe? I gotta take this. OK? Thanks.

Beep…

Me: Hello?

Obama: Hi, Jennifer, How are ya?

Jennifer: Honestly? I’m just about fed up with some stuff, and I need to vent. You ever get that way? You just bottle it all up and try to stay positive and look on the bright side and use words like “challenging” instead of freakin’ off-the-charts “terrible”? Doesn’t it get to you that you can’t say exactly what you think all the time?

Obama: I do say what I think.

Me: I know, I know. But you’re a politician. C’mon on now.

Obama: No. Seriously. On the most part I do say what I think.

Me: How did you like that cheesecake I made for you?

Obama: It was awful. I had to toss it. I couldn’t in good conscience feed it to my staff.

Me: Uh huh.

Obama: I mean, have you ever even made a cheesecake before? I’m just asking cuz…

Me. Yeah, yeah. I get it. You’re honest. I bet if I was the Queen of Siam, you’d make yourself like it. You’d…

Obama: There is no Siam.

Me: OK, Brainy McSmarts-a-lot. I don’t know who’s briefing you on international stuff or whatever. But there is a Siam. For crying out loud, I just ate at King of Siam Buffet last Friday night. If you think you want to be president you really have to study up on…

Obama: Well, it’s still there. It didn’t disappear. It’s just called Thailand.

Me: Oh.

Obama: So anyway, I was just calling to check in. I wanted to see if you would consider joining my strategic communications committee. Actually, I have a need for someone who can give me some important counsel on reaching out to a wide variety of voters.

Me: But you’ve got my vote.

Obama: Yes, I think we’ve got the lifelong yellow dog Democrat/East Coast liberal arts college educated/ artist/creative consultant/feminist/cat person/dog person/rabbit person/Catholic Buddhist/organic vegetable eating/Target shopper vote all nailed down.

Me: Are you sure? Because I think I have a really good handle on the issues that mean so much to this segment of the population. We need access to free healthcare and three day work weeks and mandatory kitten adoptions for families with two or more kids, and some other stuff. I can send you a list.

Obama: Yeah. I know. But I think I could really use your help with some other folks.

Me: Well, I’ll try. What are you thinking about?

Obama: We’ve had some challenges…

Me: You mean you’re terrified of losing…

Obama: OK Fine. I’m terrified of losing… the carny vote.

Me: The swami vote?

Obama: The carny vote.

Me: The Blarney Stone?

Obama: CAR-NY.

Me: Carny? You’re afraid of losing votes of traveling carnival workers?

Obama: Is that what they prefer to be called? Carnival workers?

Me: How the hell should I know? I’m just seeking, you know, some clarification on what you’re looking for.

Obama: Well, we had a staff meeting, and I think it goes without saying that the Carnival Worker population has been woefully underrepresented. Every year they are tasked with providing all-American entertainment in parking lots and open fields across America. They travel and because of this many of them fail to claim a resident state. Without a resident state, they are less inclined to vote– even by absentee ballot. But these people are the salt of the earth. They are hardworking Americans who need to be heard. I can be that voice.

Me: Um, OK. Can I just ask you something?

Obama: Shoot.

Me: Why?

Obama: Why what?

Me: Why do they need to be heard? I mean, why don’t you just leave them alone?

Obama: Excuse me?

Me: Baby steps, Barack. You’re getting way ahead of yourself.

Obama: What do you mean?

Me: I’ll be blunt. I know this is an historic election.

Obama: That it is.

Me: And you’re totally going to win.

Obama: Yes, I am.

Me: And all sorts of crazy hoo-ha is gonna happen because you’re young, you’re liberal, you’ve made history in so many incredibly awesome ways, and you’re just not gonna take it anymore. Am I right?

Obama: Go on.

Me: Point is… just leave the carnies out of this. I figure, most of them are off the grid. Most of them probably haven’t paid taxes their entire adult lives. And you know what? Do you think they have disability insurance, not to mention health insurance, even while they’re operating equipment called “Sizzler” or “Megadrop” or “Horror Train”? I don’t think so. They’re rebels.

Obama: You see, that’s exactly the point I’m…

Me: Shhhh… shhh…

Obama: OK, I’m Shhhh-shing.

Me: So anyway, just don’t do any photo opps with guys named Lefty or Big John or Ghost Eye. Just don’t.

Obama: If you say so.

Me: You’ll thank me.

Obama: So what was it you wanted to vent about?

Me: I just saw that documentary “Sicko” and I am asbsolutely outraged that our government, unlike the French, does not send ladies to houses to do other ladies’ laundry when they have babies. Their daycare is, like, a dollar a day and they are awesome. And doctors actually make housecalls– and they like it! Why don’t we have that? Huh? Why?

Obama: I’m working on it.

Me: Oh you better be… or I’m moving to France. I mean it this time.

Obama: Au revoir.

Me: Yeah, well, I would ditch the jokes too.

Obama: Whatever you say.

Me: Thanks.

Obama: You’re welcome.

Me: Now go kick some McButt.

Regular Shuffleboil Blogger

8 Jan

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For those of you who have not checked out Shuffleboil yet, shame on you. I am so very proud of my friend and writing colleague John Mitchell who started this wonderful ezine last year. It is full of some of the most intriguing content I’ve seen in a long time. I’ve learned about graphic novels, wine, film, and even enjoyed a steady dose of humor, music and TV reviews and some great heads up in a lot of new things in the pop culture department. All in all, you should bookmark it, and not just because I’m on staff. Speaking of which, I will now be a regular blogger for Shuffleboil, so check out my latest entry on Michael Moore’s 2007 doc, SiCKO.

The Conversation: Tyra Banks

28 Dec

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Ring…. ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)

Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)

Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)

Husband to me: For the love of God, answer the phone. She will call until you do.

Me to husband: Fine.

Ring… ring…

Me: Hello?

Tyra: HEY GIRL!!! I have been tryin’ to call you! Were you in the back or something?

Me: Uh huh. What’s up Tyra?

Tyra: Well, I’m just calling my top girlfriends to wish them a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I mean last year was GREAT, but this year– the sky’s the lim-it, choo-no?

Me: Actually, it was a good year and all, but pretty tough too in a lot of ways, I mean…

Tyra: You are so NEGATIVE, Jennifer. You really need to work on that. You know you should come on my show and talk about how your negative attitude has almost destroyed your life, and how you have many dreams that you have yet to realize. You’re still relatively young and, well, you’re like an every woman.

Me: Oh yeah? How.

Tyra: Let’s see. Your life took some unhappy turns that you didn’t expect, you’ve put on a few pounds since college, you wish you were taller, your book hasn’t been published, I mean the list just goes on and on…

Me: Taller? No I don’t.

Tyra: Sure you do.

Me: No. I don’t.

Tyra: OK. Well, we can have a therapist come on and then maybe someone who went through some life-changing experience– like a car accident or a bad wedding- and came out on the other side all happy and beautiful and, you know, together. It could really help a lot of women. We could convince you to make all your dreams come true!

Me: No. Thanks, but no.

Tyra: Don’t you want to help a lot of women, Jennifer?

Me: Me? Yeah, sure, but…

Tyra: OK, so we’ll fly you down…

Me: Wait a second. Did you really call me to wish me a “Happy New Year” or to talk me into being a “before” on your show? I mean, there are things I’d like to improve but…

Tyra: This will be FIERCE! I’m so glad you want to help people.

Me: I’m not doing it. If I want to make changes, I’ll do it myself. I don’t need to do it on national television in a 12-minute segment with one commercial interruption. No way.

Tyra: You know what would be great? Why don’t you wear that gray suit dress? It sort of sums up your whole…

Me: Hold on, Tyra. I am NOT doing this. You can dream all you want, but why don’t you call the next girlfriend on your list and get her to do it.

Tyra: That would be impossible.

Me: And why’s that?

Tyra: Because it’s Ashley Judd. She’s fine the way she is… obviously.

Me: Obviously.

Tyra: So you’re free next week, right? Great.

Me: Oh my God, Tyra. You are NOT listening. I know it’s your “thing” not to take no for an answer but, alas, my answer is no.

Tyra: I see.

Me: Good.

Tyra: Good.

Me: OK then.

Tyra: Can I just ask you something?

Me: What.

Tyra: Do you still have dreams? Because, you know, if you really believe in yourself and work hard, any dream is possible.

Me: Is that so?

Tyra: Uh huh.

Me: OK. My dream is to be a supermodel.

Tyra: I KNEW it!

Me: That’s right. I’ve always been out of my mind jealous that opportunities and success come so easily to people like you. So I want to be a supermodel.

Tyra: OK. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Me: So now what?

Tyra: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I have a dream and I’m willing to work hard. So let’s go.

Tyra: Well, there’s no way you could ever be a supermodel. I mean, you’re five feet tall and in your late 30s and…

Me: Are you trying to shut me down and crush my dream?

Tyra: No! It’s just that…

Me: Because I’m getting a really negative vibe from…

Tyra: No, girl! What I mean is that you should have dreams that… well…

Me: That’s what I thought. Listen, if everyone wanted to be a supermodel, which I certainly do not wish to be, we wouldn’t have teachers and engineers and bus drivers and people to grow food which you wouldn’t eat anyway. Dreams are relative, Tyra. Not everyone wants every ounce of attention in a room hurled at them, believe it or not. Now, go out there and change some lives. What’s your show tomorrow?

Tyra: It’s about my boobs.

Me: Excellent. Keep up the good work and Happy New Year!

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