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The Conversation: Who do you wanna meet?

15 May

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So it has been awhile since my latest installment of “The Conversation.” For those of you who have expressed an interest in my revitalizing this, I need to know… who do you wanna meet? Just to recap, “The Conversation” is a series of personal (fake) conversations with celebrities– authors, politicos, pop stars, etc. Past conversations (which are purely made up in my tired brain) have been with J.K. Rowling, Dick Cheney, Tyra Banks, Britney Spears, Barack Obama, Lindsey Lohan and more.

Check them all out here and tell me who I should “talk to” next.

The Conversation: Lindsay Lohan

31 Aug


Ring… Ring…

Me: What the @!&*… what the hell time is it…

Ring… Ring…

Me: 3:30 in the freaking morning.. who is calling at…

Husband: Caller ID says it’s Lohan. Whaddya want me to do?

Me: Arrrghhhh…. I’ll take it in the office.

Husband: OK, but tell her that real people need real sleep and…

Me: I know, I know. I’ll handle it.

Husband: Good Luck.

Me: Uh..huh… Hello?

LL: OKOKOKOKOKOK I absolutely KNOW that it is late, but I’m in Paris, and it’s not late here– actually I just had a nice breakfast at this little cafe and…

Me: WHAT!? What do you want, Lindsay?

LL: OK, so I thought I better call now, or I would forget.

Me: Forget what? Forget to remind me that I have yet to get to Paris in this lifetime and you’ve been there, like, fifty times already and you just want to make absolutely sure that I realize how unbelievably underwhelming the City of Lights actually is? I was in the middle of a pretty decent dream involving me and a talking dolphin, so this better be good.

LL: It is. I promise.

Me: OK then.

LL: OK.

Me: OK.

LL: Well, now that I think about it, it’s probably not a big deal. You go back to bed. I’ll call you later.

Me: Over my dead body. You tell me now, or you permanently lose this number.

LL: OK OK… I was thinking I need to get a makeunder, you know. Just sort of Streep it up a little.

Me: Get your Streep on, as it were?

LL: Exactly! She told me once that she thinks I’m pretty good, and I’m not going to have my looks forever so I better get serious about, you know, serious stuff.

Me: Right.

LL: And I’ve been looking at pictures of myself a lot…

Me: As usual…

LL: Uh-huh. As usual and I’m looking, I don’t know, kind of bummed out.

Me: You are bummed out. Your Mother and sister just did a lame ass reality show totally exploiting your celebrity, your Dad’s in jail, you’ve already been in rehab a couple of times.

LL: I know, and it sucks. I just want to hang out, you know?

Me: And I want to sleep. Is that all?

LL: No. I need your help.

Me: That’s what you have agents and managers and “people” for. Go ask them. I’m tired.

LL: Tell me about it. I just got off this shoot and…

Me: OK, not to interrupt but I’m Mom-with-toddler-juggling-bills-dealing-with-clients-cleaning-house-running-errands-staying-groomed-by-myself-tired. Not celebutante tired. That’s a different tired. People run at you in warp speed to make sure you don’t have bags under your eyes. People run away from me because, honestly, my morning hair scares the crap out of them. So go get help from, you know, your help.

LL: But you’re my friend.

Me: (silence)

LL: Hello?

Me: (deep sigh) OK… how can I help?

LL: OK Good. So what books should I be reading? Are there any really, you know, super smart people I should be hanging out with? Have you ever read “The Alchemist”? My Reiki woman said that would that make a good movie.

Me: The main character is a shepherd boy– there is a gypsy, but it’s a pretty small role and…

LL: Well screw that. What else? Can you think of anything else?

Me: Well… let me think about it. Would you be willing to gain some weight?

LL: Weight? How much weight are we talking about? Like Bridget Jones or more like Charlize Theron in that death row movie?

Me: I don’t know. I’m just asking cuz that might make a difference in what I recommend. You said you wanted to Streep it up…

LL: Yeah, but that’s like DeNiro. Streep does accents. I can definitely do accents. Didn’t you see The Parent Trap?

Me: I just want to know how far you’re willing to go.

LL: I need to think about it.

Me: Okey Dokey. Just get back to me… at a decent hour. And send me an Eiffel Tower snowglobe.

LL: You have like 15 of those.

Me: Yeah, but I don’t have one from the Lohan. Au Revoir.

The Conversation: Barack Obama

14 Jul

Beep…

Me: Wait, someone’s calling on the other line. Let me check who it… cool. It’s Barack. Can you just e-mail me that cashew chili recipe? I gotta take this. OK? Thanks.

Beep…

Me: Hello?

Obama: Hi, Jennifer, How are ya?

Jennifer: Honestly? I’m just about fed up with some stuff, and I need to vent. You ever get that way? You just bottle it all up and try to stay positive and look on the bright side and use words like “challenging” instead of freakin’ off-the-charts “terrible”? Doesn’t it get to you that you can’t say exactly what you think all the time?

Obama: I do say what I think.

Me: I know, I know. But you’re a politician. C’mon on now.

Obama: No. Seriously. On the most part I do say what I think.

Me: How did you like that cheesecake I made for you?

Obama: It was awful. I had to toss it. I couldn’t in good conscience feed it to my staff.

Me: Uh huh.

Obama: I mean, have you ever even made a cheesecake before? I’m just asking cuz…

Me. Yeah, yeah. I get it. You’re honest. I bet if I was the Queen of Siam, you’d make yourself like it. You’d…

Obama: There is no Siam.

Me: OK, Brainy McSmarts-a-lot. I don’t know who’s briefing you on international stuff or whatever. But there is a Siam. For crying out loud, I just ate at King of Siam Buffet last Friday night. If you think you want to be president you really have to study up on…

Obama: Well, it’s still there. It didn’t disappear. It’s just called Thailand.

Me: Oh.

Obama: So anyway, I was just calling to check in. I wanted to see if you would consider joining my strategic communications committee. Actually, I have a need for someone who can give me some important counsel on reaching out to a wide variety of voters.

Me: But you’ve got my vote.

Obama: Yes, I think we’ve got the lifelong yellow dog Democrat/East Coast liberal arts college educated/ artist/creative consultant/feminist/cat person/dog person/rabbit person/Catholic Buddhist/organic vegetable eating/Target shopper vote all nailed down.

Me: Are you sure? Because I think I have a really good handle on the issues that mean so much to this segment of the population. We need access to free healthcare and three day work weeks and mandatory kitten adoptions for families with two or more kids, and some other stuff. I can send you a list.

Obama: Yeah. I know. But I think I could really use your help with some other folks.

Me: Well, I’ll try. What are you thinking about?

Obama: We’ve had some challenges…

Me: You mean you’re terrified of losing…

Obama: OK Fine. I’m terrified of losing… the carny vote.

Me: The swami vote?

Obama: The carny vote.

Me: The Blarney Stone?

Obama: CAR-NY.

Me: Carny? You’re afraid of losing votes of traveling carnival workers?

Obama: Is that what they prefer to be called? Carnival workers?

Me: How the hell should I know? I’m just seeking, you know, some clarification on what you’re looking for.

Obama: Well, we had a staff meeting, and I think it goes without saying that the Carnival Worker population has been woefully underrepresented. Every year they are tasked with providing all-American entertainment in parking lots and open fields across America. They travel and because of this many of them fail to claim a resident state. Without a resident state, they are less inclined to vote– even by absentee ballot. But these people are the salt of the earth. They are hardworking Americans who need to be heard. I can be that voice.

Me: Um, OK. Can I just ask you something?

Obama: Shoot.

Me: Why?

Obama: Why what?

Me: Why do they need to be heard? I mean, why don’t you just leave them alone?

Obama: Excuse me?

Me: Baby steps, Barack. You’re getting way ahead of yourself.

Obama: What do you mean?

Me: I’ll be blunt. I know this is an historic election.

Obama: That it is.

Me: And you’re totally going to win.

Obama: Yes, I am.

Me: And all sorts of crazy hoo-ha is gonna happen because you’re young, you’re liberal, you’ve made history in so many incredibly awesome ways, and you’re just not gonna take it anymore. Am I right?

Obama: Go on.

Me: Point is… just leave the carnies out of this. I figure, most of them are off the grid. Most of them probably haven’t paid taxes their entire adult lives. And you know what? Do you think they have disability insurance, not to mention health insurance, even while they’re operating equipment called “Sizzler” or “Megadrop” or “Horror Train”? I don’t think so. They’re rebels.

Obama: You see, that’s exactly the point I’m…

Me: Shhhh… shhh…

Obama: OK, I’m Shhhh-shing.

Me: So anyway, just don’t do any photo opps with guys named Lefty or Big John or Ghost Eye. Just don’t.

Obama: If you say so.

Me: You’ll thank me.

Obama: So what was it you wanted to vent about?

Me: I just saw that documentary “Sicko” and I am asbsolutely outraged that our government, unlike the French, does not send ladies to houses to do other ladies’ laundry when they have babies. Their daycare is, like, a dollar a day and they are awesome. And doctors actually make housecalls– and they like it! Why don’t we have that? Huh? Why?

Obama: I’m working on it.

Me: Oh you better be… or I’m moving to France. I mean it this time.

Obama: Au revoir.

Me: Yeah, well, I would ditch the jokes too.

Obama: Whatever you say.

Me: Thanks.

Obama: You’re welcome.

Me: Now go kick some McButt.

The Conversation: Tyra Banks

28 Dec

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Ring…. ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)

Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)

Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)

Husband to me: For the love of God, answer the phone. She will call until you do.

Me to husband: Fine.

Ring… ring…

Me: Hello?

Tyra: HEY GIRL!!! I have been tryin’ to call you! Were you in the back or something?

Me: Uh huh. What’s up Tyra?

Tyra: Well, I’m just calling my top girlfriends to wish them a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I mean last year was GREAT, but this year– the sky’s the lim-it, choo-no?

Me: Actually, it was a good year and all, but pretty tough too in a lot of ways, I mean…

Tyra: You are so NEGATIVE, Jennifer. You really need to work on that. You know you should come on my show and talk about how your negative attitude has almost destroyed your life, and how you have many dreams that you have yet to realize. You’re still relatively young and, well, you’re like an every woman.

Me: Oh yeah? How.

Tyra: Let’s see. Your life took some unhappy turns that you didn’t expect, you’ve put on a few pounds since college, you wish you were taller, your book hasn’t been published, I mean the list just goes on and on…

Me: Taller? No I don’t.

Tyra: Sure you do.

Me: No. I don’t.

Tyra: OK. Well, we can have a therapist come on and then maybe someone who went through some life-changing experience– like a car accident or a bad wedding- and came out on the other side all happy and beautiful and, you know, together. It could really help a lot of women. We could convince you to make all your dreams come true!

Me: No. Thanks, but no.

Tyra: Don’t you want to help a lot of women, Jennifer?

Me: Me? Yeah, sure, but…

Tyra: OK, so we’ll fly you down…

Me: Wait a second. Did you really call me to wish me a “Happy New Year” or to talk me into being a “before” on your show? I mean, there are things I’d like to improve but…

Tyra: This will be FIERCE! I’m so glad you want to help people.

Me: I’m not doing it. If I want to make changes, I’ll do it myself. I don’t need to do it on national television in a 12-minute segment with one commercial interruption. No way.

Tyra: You know what would be great? Why don’t you wear that gray suit dress? It sort of sums up your whole…

Me: Hold on, Tyra. I am NOT doing this. You can dream all you want, but why don’t you call the next girlfriend on your list and get her to do it.

Tyra: That would be impossible.

Me: And why’s that?

Tyra: Because it’s Ashley Judd. She’s fine the way she is… obviously.

Me: Obviously.

Tyra: So you’re free next week, right? Great.

Me: Oh my God, Tyra. You are NOT listening. I know it’s your “thing” not to take no for an answer but, alas, my answer is no.

Tyra: I see.

Me: Good.

Tyra: Good.

Me: OK then.

Tyra: Can I just ask you something?

Me: What.

Tyra: Do you still have dreams? Because, you know, if you really believe in yourself and work hard, any dream is possible.

Me: Is that so?

Tyra: Uh huh.

Me: OK. My dream is to be a supermodel.

Tyra: I KNEW it!

Me: That’s right. I’ve always been out of my mind jealous that opportunities and success come so easily to people like you. So I want to be a supermodel.

Tyra: OK. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Me: So now what?

Tyra: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I have a dream and I’m willing to work hard. So let’s go.

Tyra: Well, there’s no way you could ever be a supermodel. I mean, you’re five feet tall and in your late 30s and…

Me: Are you trying to shut me down and crush my dream?

Tyra: No! It’s just that…

Me: Because I’m getting a really negative vibe from…

Tyra: No, girl! What I mean is that you should have dreams that… well…

Me: That’s what I thought. Listen, if everyone wanted to be a supermodel, which I certainly do not wish to be, we wouldn’t have teachers and engineers and bus drivers and people to grow food which you wouldn’t eat anyway. Dreams are relative, Tyra. Not everyone wants every ounce of attention in a room hurled at them, believe it or not. Now, go out there and change some lives. What’s your show tomorrow?

Tyra: It’s about my boobs.

Me: Excellent. Keep up the good work and Happy New Year!

The Conversation: Britney Spears

12 Dec

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(I’m Not That Innocent… ringtone)

Me: Hello?

Britney Spears: Hey, girl! Wassup? Where you at?

Me: Britney?

BS: Duh… wait. Hold on. (inaudible scuffle followed by) That’s right you fat cow, you better run! Or I swear to god…

Me: Britney!

BS: Oh hey Jen! You need somethin’? What’s up?

Me: You called me?

BS: I did?

Me: Yep.

BS: Oh yeah! Sorry, just some skanky ass bitch with a camera phone got all up in my…

Me: Britney.

BS: Oh yeah. Anyway, why don’t you come over for a playdate this weekend? I have the boys for a couple of hours and we can get tan and let the kids play in the pool and just, you know, chill.

Me: Um, I just don’t think that’s a good idea right now.

BS: Why not? Wait, just a sec… SHIT! I just hit something, but it sounded like a rock or something.

Me: You should go back and see.

BS: Naw… it was a squirrel. Man, that little guy sure had a death wish. You know my daddy used to…

Me: Please do not tell me you used to eat squirrel.

BS: (Pause) Okay.

Me: Listen, Britney?

BS: Uh huh?

Me: You know I’ve been a publicist for, like, almost 20 years, right?

BS: Uh huh. And how come you won’t let me hire you? It would be freakin’ AWESOME! Do you know how much work it is to figure out where to go to and who to go with? I mean, even though you don’t hardly drink or anything, you could still par-tay! And I wouldn’t have to drive.

Me: I can see where that would be a bonus for you. But for me…

BS: I’ll pay you like, how much does it cost, like, $15,000 a month, or $20,000 or I don’t EVEN know. Just whatever.

Me: It’s not about the money. It’s about, well, you’re out of control and you really need to get your act together, Britney. If not for your sake, for the sake of your kids. I’m being totally serious here.

BS: (hangs up)

Me: Hello?

(1 minute later)

BS: J-Ro?

Me: Yeah.

BS: It’s me.

Me: I know. You hung up on me.

BS: I thought about what you said and I know you’re right.

Me: But…

BS: But I am young and rich and sexy.

Me: You’re not that sexy…

BS: What?

Me: Nothing.

BS: I don’t want to talk about this. So, you coming over this weekend or what? I’ll let you give me some of your PR advice and junk. Oh, and there’s this new place on Robertson that sells little minature Hummers for toddlers and I want to get you guys one and a couple for the kids. I think they come in, like, 8 or 9 different colors and…

Me: Um… I live in Austin and I’m a writer and I really don’t have time to get to LA on a last minute…

BS: Uh huh… hold on my phone is ringing.

Me: But you’re on the phone with…

BS: The PINK one is ringin’. Hold up…

(Background: No I did NOT let the boys drink Pepsi and eat pop rocks at the same time. It was Coke and I was sittin’ right there with them and… hold on.)

BS: Jen, I’m gonna have to call you back. OK, so we’re on for New Year’s right? Vegas, baby! Yeah! It’s so cool you called. Bye!

Me: Huh? Yeah, right. Vegas. Listen, take care, Brit. And just love those boys. They really need you and…. hello? Hello?

The Conversation: JK Rowling

2 Dec

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(Ringring… ringring…ringring)

JK Rowling: Hello?

Me: Hey JK– its JH

JK: Why hello, Jennifer! How’ve you been?

Me: Actually, I’ve had a bad throat infection the last few days and I’ve been coughing up the grossest stuff.

JK: Sounds awful.

Me: Yep… sorry my voice is so hoarse. It’s sexy, though, don’t you think?

JK: Definitely. You’re getting enough tea, then? Just hot herbal tea and lemon and a splash of honey. Does wonders.

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been doing that since last week.

JK: Good girl. Right, so I got Benjamin’s birthday party invitation in the post just yesterday. It was adorable! Little animals with party hats. Brilliant.

Me: Yep– I printed them out myself. But, of course, you have people to do that sort of thing for you right?

JK: You’re mad.

Me: OK, OK, Sorry. I won’t start. (pause) So how’s the castle?

JK: It’s NOT a castle!

Me: I’m just KIDDING, geez. So, anyway, can you come? I have an opening for a storyteller for the kids and you’d be the obvious choice.

JK: No, I can’t make it. I’ll be in Japan and…

Me: Oh, sure, that’s OK.

JK: No, really, I want to be there it’s just that…

Me: You don’t have to explain.

JK: OK… sorry.

Me: Look. I’ve been meaning to tell you something for the longest time and now is as good a time as any.

JK: What is it?

Me: I just don’t even know how to say it.

JK: C’mon, then. Just spit it out.

Me: Promise you won’t get mad.

JK: Promise.

Me: Well… OK… here goes. I’ve never actually read any of your books. There I said it.

JK: Pardon?

Me: I mean, I have them all. Well, most of them. And I saw the first two movies, but I never actually got around to reading the books.

JK: I am absolutely gobsmacked. May I ask why?

Me: Um… the thing is is that there was just SO much hype, it really rubbed me the wrong way.

JK: Uh huh.

Me: Then I started noticing that all my friends on Livejournal and at the office were huge fans, and I was impressed. These are smart people.

JK: Well, they have compared me to Lewis and Tolkien, Jennifer. That might not mean anything to you, but…

Me: See. Now you’re mad.

JK: No, I’m not mad. I’m just a little confused. I mean, you’ve read all the classics, and those were wildly popular. How do you explain that?

Me: I don’t know. I just started to seeing all the marketing and the hoopla and it just made me angry. I rebelled.

JK: That’s so juvenile.

Me: I know. I know. I’ll just say it outright. I’m jealous.

JK: Of course you’re jealous. You wouldn’t be a human being if you weren’t a little jealous of my success.

Me: OK, now you’re just being arrogant.

JK: No I’m not. Let me ask you this. How is your young adult trilogy coming along? Are you EVER going to send me pages?

Me: Yeah, right.

JK: Well, have you written anything?

Me: Yes… I mean when I can make the time I…

JK: You’re pathetic.

Me: I know. Listen, you know what I’m going to do?

JK: What?

Me: I’m going to give Benjamin a Harry Potter birthday party. And I’ll even read, like, the first two books if I have time and then I’ll send you my pages next month. Oh, and you do NOT have to feel guilty about Japan. We’ll just call it even, OK?

JK: Well…

Me: C’mon…

JK: Deal. That all sounds lovely.

Me: Yes, quite. Well, have fun storming the castle…

JK: Very funny.

Me: Cheers!

JK: Ta-ta!

The Conversation: Dick Cheney

25 Nov

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Dick Cheney:  Hello?

Me: Dick?

DC: Yes, this is Dick.

Me: Hey Dick. It’s Jennifer.

DC: Oh! Hello Jennifer. How’s the weather in Austin?

Me: It’s cold and rainy.

DC: That’s too bad.

Me: No actually it’s good. It feels more like the holidays now. A few days ago it was pushing 90. Not very Thanksgiving-ish.

DC: That’s true. I hate unseasonably warm or cold weather.

Me: Yeah. Me too.

DC: It sucks.

Me: Yep. Anyway, just wanted to touch base. How’s it going up there in DC? Still dodging bullets? What’s the dealio?

DC: Well, just cutting loose a little.

Me: Really, how so?

DC: You know, just trying to keep things interesting these last few months. Have you ever had a really good Sea Bass?

Me: No, I’m not really a fish person.

DC: Really? I did not know that.

Me: Nope. I’m not big on pork or lamb either. I was thinking of going totally vegetarian.

DC: Don’t do that. That’s ridiculous. You need meat.

Me: I like tofu.

DC: You’re nuts. Anyway, so I’ve been doing this thing where I have my staff go all over the country trying to find the best Sea Bass, ’cause, you know, I really like it.

Me: Uh huh.

DC: And I sort of make them think ‘Oh God. If I don’t get the Vice President a decent plate of Sea Bass, I won’t get a good recommendation. I better find some good freakin’ Sea Bass.’ But what they don’t know is that it doesn’t matter where they get it, or who they get to prepare it. I’ll definitely eat it… cuz I LIKE it! You know?

Me: That seems mean.

DC: No, no, no. It’s not. It just pushes them to do their best and they get to travel to all the coastal states, and I think one of my interns has decided to go to culinary school which is a good decision because, you know, she giggled everytime someone would say “Hey Dick!” Very unprofessional.

Me: I don’t know. Shouldn’t you be working on your memoirs or gathering important papers or looking at home decorating magazines? You’ll be leaving soon.

DC: It’s all taken care of.

Me: Well, that’s good.

DC: Yes, everything will be just fine.

Me: Ok… um… sounds like you’re on top of…

DC: Everything is as it should be…

Me: You know what? You’re really creeping me out.

DC: Oh… sorry.

Me: Well, anyway, just wanted to let you know that we need to get out of Iraq ASAP and, of course, don’t forget to get yourself a good lawyer when all of this is over.

DC: You crack me up, Jennifer!

Me: Seriously.

DC: Do you think?

Me: Um, yeah.

DC: Hmmm… well, I’m getting a little hungry, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Me: Yep. Enjoy your Sea Bass.

DC: Thanks– and give Texas a big manly handshake for me.

Me: I’ll give it a nice, sweet hug.

DC: Whatever.

Me: Later, Dick.

DC: Later.

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