Here are a list of things not to get me for Christmas or any other gift-giving occasion:
1) My Own Star with a map showing me where to find it and a certificate telling me there’s a star out there named “Jennifer.” I don’t have time and I don’t have a telescope. (This is not a hint to get me a telescope)
2) Sweaters. I live in Texas. I would maybe use it as a dust rag or something to let the cat sleep on. And unless it’s made out of Target gift cards, I’m not wearin’ it.
3) A Monogramed Anything: It was hard enough for me to change my middle name to my maiden name and then tack on my husband’s name at the end. Don’t rub it in.
4) Shrink wrapped Salmon. I don’t care if it was 30 bucks and came straight from Alaska. It’s fish in a box.
5) Items that say I’m a #1 anything… unless you can prove it, I’m not.
6) Pictures of yourself. Please.
7) Books and CDs that you think I’ll like. Just because I teared up that one time when Josh Groban was on “Touched by an Angel” does not mean I want any of his records. I was sick that week. Check out my wish list on Amazon.com before you get any lofty ideas that you really know me. You probably don’t.
8) Items that actually say “Makes a Great Gift” right on the box.
9) A donation to my favorite charity in my name. Look, during the holidays “I” am my favorite charity. The end.
10) Your kids’ craft project. I know you told her that “it’s the thought that counts and we have so many lovely crocheted things. Let’s give some away as gifts this year!” That’s a straight up pussy move. Don’t do it.