The Conversation: Britney Spears

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(I’m Not That Innocent… ringtone)

Me: Hello?

Britney Spears: Hey, girl! Wassup? Where you at?

Me: Britney?

BS: Duh… wait. Hold on. (inaudible scuffle followed by) That’s right you fat cow, you better run! Or I swear to god…

Me: Britney!

BS: Oh hey Jen! You need somethin’? What’s up?

Me: You called me?

BS: I did?

Me: Yep.

BS: Oh yeah! Sorry, just some skanky ass bitch with a camera phone got all up in my…

Me: Britney.

BS: Oh yeah. Anyway, why don’t you come over for a playdate this weekend? I have the boys for a couple of hours and we can get tan and let the kids play in the pool and just, you know, chill.

Me: Um, I just don’t think that’s a good idea right now.

BS: Why not? Wait, just a sec… SHIT! I just hit something, but it sounded like a rock or something.

Me: You should go back and see.

BS: Naw… it was a squirrel. Man, that little guy sure had a death wish. You know my daddy used to…

Me: Please do not tell me you used to eat squirrel.

BS: (Pause) Okay.

Me: Listen, Britney?

BS: Uh huh?

Me: You know I’ve been a publicist for, like, almost 20 years, right?

BS: Uh huh. And how come you won’t let me hire you? It would be freakin’ AWESOME! Do you know how much work it is to figure out where to go to and who to go with? I mean, even though you don’t hardly drink or anything, you could still par-tay! And I wouldn’t have to drive.

Me: I can see where that would be a bonus for you. But for me…

BS: I’ll pay you like, how much does it cost, like, $15,000 a month, or $20,000 or I don’t EVEN know. Just whatever.

Me: It’s not about the money. It’s about, well, you’re out of control and you really need to get your act together, Britney. If not for your sake, for the sake of your kids. I’m being totally serious here.

BS: (hangs up)

Me: Hello?

(1 minute later)

BS: J-Ro?

Me: Yeah.

BS: It’s me.

Me: I know. You hung up on me.

BS: I thought about what you said and I know you’re right.

Me: But…

BS: But I am young and rich and sexy.

Me: You’re not that sexy…

BS: What?

Me: Nothing.

BS: I don’t want to talk about this. So, you coming over this weekend or what? I’ll let you give me some of your PR advice and junk. Oh, and there’s this new place on Robertson that sells little minature Hummers for toddlers and I want to get you guys one and a couple for the kids. I think they come in, like, 8 or 9 different colors and…

Me: Um… I live in Austin and I’m a writer and I really don’t have time to get to LA on a last minute…

BS: Uh huh… hold on my phone is ringing.

Me: But you’re on the phone with…

BS: The PINK one is ringin’. Hold up…

(Background: No I did NOT let the boys drink Pepsi and eat pop rocks at the same time. It was Coke and I was sittin’ right there with them and… hold on.)

BS: Jen, I’m gonna have to call you back. OK, so we’re on for New Year’s right? Vegas, baby! Yeah! It’s so cool you called. Bye!

Me: Huh? Yeah, right. Vegas. Listen, take care, Brit. And just love those boys. They really need you and…. hello? Hello?

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