Ring…. ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)
Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)
Ring… ring… ring… ring… ring (stop)
Husband to me: For the love of God, answer the phone. She will call until you do.
Me to husband: Fine.
Tyra: HEY GIRL!!! I have been tryin’ to call you! Were you in the back or something?
Me: Uh huh. What’s up Tyra?
Tyra: Well, I’m just calling my top girlfriends to wish them a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I mean last year was GREAT, but this year– the sky’s the lim-it, choo-no?
Me: Actually, it was a good year and all, but pretty tough too in a lot of ways, I mean…
Tyra: You are so NEGATIVE, Jennifer. You really need to work on that. You know you should come on my show and talk about how your negative attitude has almost destroyed your life, and how you have many dreams that you have yet to realize. You’re still relatively young and, well, you’re like an every woman.
Me: Oh yeah? How.
Tyra: Let’s see. Your life took some unhappy turns that you didn’t expect, you’ve put on a few pounds since college, you wish you were taller, your book hasn’t been published, I mean the list just goes on and on…
Me: Taller? No I don’t.
Tyra: Sure you do.
Me: No. I don’t.
Tyra: OK. Well, we can have a therapist come on and then maybe someone who went through some life-changing experience– like a car accident or a bad wedding- and came out on the other side all happy and beautiful and, you know, together. It could really help a lot of women. We could convince you to make all your dreams come true!
Me: No. Thanks, but no.
Tyra: Don’t you want to help a lot of women, Jennifer?
Me: Me? Yeah, sure, but…
Tyra: OK, so we’ll fly you down…
Me: Wait a second. Did you really call me to wish me a “Happy New Year” or to talk me into being a “before” on your show? I mean, there are things I’d like to improve but…
Tyra: This will be FIERCE! I’m so glad you want to help people.
Me: I’m not doing it. If I want to make changes, I’ll do it myself. I don’t need to do it on national television in a 12-minute segment with one commercial interruption. No way.
Tyra: You know what would be great? Why don’t you wear that gray suit dress? It sort of sums up your whole…
Me: Hold on, Tyra. I am NOT doing this. You can dream all you want, but why don’t you call the next girlfriend on your list and get her to do it.
Tyra: That would be impossible.
Me: And why’s that?
Tyra: Because it’s Ashley Judd. She’s fine the way she is… obviously.
Tyra: So you’re free next week, right? Great.
Me: Oh my God, Tyra. You are NOT listening. I know it’s your “thing” not to take no for an answer but, alas, my answer is no.
Tyra: I see.
Me: OK then.
Tyra: Can I just ask you something?
Tyra: Do you still have dreams? Because, you know, if you really believe in yourself and work hard, any dream is possible.
Me: Is that so?
Tyra: Uh huh.
Me: OK. My dream is to be a supermodel.
Tyra: I KNEW it!
Me: That’s right. I’ve always been out of my mind jealous that opportunities and success come so easily to people like you. So I want to be a supermodel.
Tyra: OK. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Me: So now what?
Tyra: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I have a dream and I’m willing to work hard. So let’s go.
Tyra: Well, there’s no way you could ever be a supermodel. I mean, you’re five feet tall and in your late 30s and…
Me: Are you trying to shut me down and crush my dream?
Tyra: No! It’s just that…
Me: Because I’m getting a really negative vibe from…
Tyra: No, girl! What I mean is that you should have dreams that… well…
Me: That’s what I thought. Listen, if everyone wanted to be a supermodel, which I certainly do not wish to be, we wouldn’t have teachers and engineers and bus drivers and people to grow food which you wouldn’t eat anyway. Dreams are relative, Tyra. Not everyone wants every ounce of attention in a room hurled at them, believe it or not. Now, go out there and change some lives. What’s your show tomorrow?
Tyra: It’s about my boobs.
Me: Excellent. Keep up the good work and Happy New Year!