JK Rowling: Hello?
Me: Hey JK– its JH
JK: Why hello, Jennifer! How’ve you been?
Me: Actually, I’ve had a bad throat infection the last few days and I’ve been coughing up the grossest stuff.
JK: Sounds awful.
Me: Yep… sorry my voice is so hoarse. It’s sexy, though, don’t you think?
JK: Definitely. You’re getting enough tea, then? Just hot herbal tea and lemon and a splash of honey. Does wonders.
Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been doing that since last week.
JK: Good girl. Right, so I got Benjamin’s birthday party invitation in the post just yesterday. It was adorable! Little animals with party hats. Brilliant.
Me: Yep– I printed them out myself. But, of course, you have people to do that sort of thing for you right?
JK: You’re mad.
Me: OK, OK, Sorry. I won’t start. (pause) So how’s the castle?
JK: It’s NOT a castle!
Me: I’m just KIDDING, geez. So, anyway, can you come? I have an opening for a storyteller for the kids and you’d be the obvious choice.
JK: No, I can’t make it. I’ll be in Japan and…
Me: Oh, sure, that’s OK.
JK: No, really, I want to be there it’s just that…
Me: You don’t have to explain.
JK: OK… sorry.
Me: Look. I’ve been meaning to tell you something for the longest time and now is as good a time as any.
JK: What is it?
Me: I just don’t even know how to say it.
JK: C’mon, then. Just spit it out.
Me: Promise you won’t get mad.
Me: Well… OK… here goes. I’ve never actually read any of your books. There I said it.
Me: I mean, I have them all. Well, most of them. And I saw the first two movies, but I never actually got around to reading the books.
JK: I am absolutely gobsmacked. May I ask why?
Me: Um… the thing is is that there was just SO much hype, it really rubbed me the wrong way.
JK: Uh huh.
Me: Then I started noticing that all my friends on Livejournal and at the office were huge fans, and I was impressed. These are smart people.
JK: Well, they have compared me to Lewis and Tolkien, Jennifer. That might not mean anything to you, but…
Me: See. Now you’re mad.
JK: No, I’m not mad. I’m just a little confused. I mean, you’ve read all the classics, and those were wildly popular. How do you explain that?
Me: I don’t know. I just started to seeing all the marketing and the hoopla and it just made me angry. I rebelled.
JK: That’s so juvenile.
Me: I know. I know. I’ll just say it outright. I’m jealous.
JK: Of course you’re jealous. You wouldn’t be a human being if you weren’t a little jealous of my success.
Me: OK, now you’re just being arrogant.
JK: No I’m not. Let me ask you this. How is your young adult trilogy coming along? Are you EVER going to send me pages?
Me: Yeah, right.
JK: Well, have you written anything?
Me: Yes… I mean when I can make the time I…
JK: You’re pathetic.
Me: I know. Listen, you know what I’m going to do?
Me: I’m going to give Benjamin a Harry Potter birthday party. And I’ll even read, like, the first two books if I have time and then I’ll send you my pages next month. Oh, and you do NOT have to feel guilty about Japan. We’ll just call it even, OK?
JK: Deal. That all sounds lovely.
Me: Yes, quite. Well, have fun storming the castle…
JK: Very funny.